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Date: 13:47:10 on Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Name: chiefnut
Subject: Electric Fence
If you've ever used an electric fence or know someone who has
one, you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but he "tells it like it is"
without cursing.
If you don't laugh at this...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is
funny...and true.
This was originally sent by a retired dentist...
We have the standard 6-foot fence in the backyard. A few months
ago I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the
entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence
and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had,
Made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8-foot-long ground rod
And drove it 7.5 feet into the ground.
The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground,
the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wall-Mart 6 hp
big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in
the yard.
I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the
mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it
out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my
right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand.
Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery
and has a picture of an upside down cow - on fire - on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the
front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel
the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every
time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark
in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece-of-crap
lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical
impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I
beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my
bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.
It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping
along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap
your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between
but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust
pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire
palm down so I can't let go.
I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences...but
Dad always had those piece-of-crap chargers made by
International (or whoever) that were like 9 volts and just kinda
tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8-foot-long ground rod is
now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex
river bottom soil.
At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and
take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into
a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower
race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think
'Oh God please die! Pleeeeaze die!' But nooooo, it settles into
the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big
bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its
owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not
take me that day...
He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the
misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was
beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was
sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing,
and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid
while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I
finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing
Had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically-induced sleep I realized a few
things:
1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2 - I have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit, when all mixed together, do not smell
as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think
our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a
foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while
thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this).
That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for
things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple
check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
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